The Gift

I have been a terrible blogger lately. My apologies. I found a wonderful job, thanks to Brooke that keeps me terribly busy, and I have been devoting the other hours of my life to my little miracle. She still is my micacle, always will be. I ADORE spending time with her! I love all the sugar, spice and everything nice! I never knew what happy tears were until I met her. I cry them all the time now! These little moments amaze me more than I can put into words. I realized the other day that her hands have grown. I look at her hands and I just wonder what they will do. Where will her tiny feet take her. Whose heart will she touch? I am blessed. I will never take a moment of that blessing for granted! Her life is a miracle beyond measure! She saved her mommy! Oh how many tears I cried before her, the saddest tears. Now, only happy tears come. She has brought joy to our family more than I can tell you. Some of the greatest moments I have with her are the ones in which I watch my husband and my parents interact with her. The love that is there, AMAZING. I see God in her! I see all things wonderful.

Laney has a new friend. Her name is Estella and Estella has such a great personality. She is always all smiles and happy. Laney is a happy girl, but it's funny when I see them together, the differences in their little personalities. They are 6 weeks apart almost to the day. Laney has a "Fab 4", the 4 people she most takes to. She is untrusting and cautious, it takes her a long time to warm up (who does that sound like?). That is okay, that is who she is, nothin' wrong with a little caution, especially in the world today. Estella lets anyone hold her, and she giggles. Laney waits for everyone to get distracted, then it's like she whispers to Ella that they can play then. As soon as we all start to pay close attention again, it's over. I am glad that Estella and her mom, Laura, came into our lives. We are blessed to know them. Very sweet people! Again, I have Brooke to thank for that!

It's been through this process of struggling to get my miracle, and having her that I realized how wonderful people can be. I have met some of the best people! I am blessed!

They have been playing Christmas music already on the radio. It may seem early to you, but I am using it as an opportunity to teach Delaney all the songs that her Great Grandma loved so much! This is such a magical time of year that we are coming up on. It's all the more magical for us here at the Nunn Household. We have a gift already, and she comes wrapped in a gorgeous bow! I have always been known for my bows on my Christmas gifts. Delaney is no different. She is the greatest gift I could ever ask for!

So, tonight I write and I dedicate my blog to all my friends, and even people I don't know, that struggle to get their miracle (although that struggle makes it THAT MUCH BETTER Christie)! You will get it! I promise you will see a miracle in your time. Though I hated the wait, it nearly did me in, that wait is why I realize my blessings now! Thank you God! Thank you for my gift! And thank you to family and friends that stood alongside and now watch this miracle unfold! Joe and I are blessed! The song The Gift by Jim Brickman is my perfect song right now!

For this child...

For This Child, We Have Prayed. I saw that on a plaque while I was with Delaney and Carrie at the Festival of the Little Hills. Could there be anything more appropriate for my angel? Oh, for her I have prayed! I have begged and pleaded, and now I say prayers of thanks! My girl has grown so fast! She can sit up on her own, she loves all food and she is even crying more like a grown baby! I love her so much! I love getting to buy her all the frills that girls deserve and I just love teaching her! But, this girl has taught me a lot! A lot about gifts. Many of you know that I LOVE bows. I loved bows long before Delaney. I have always been known as the best gift wrapper in the family. A gift from me is said to be exciting because of the wrapping and the big bows on them. Maybe this is where my obsession with bows started. I love wrapping a well thought out gift with a big beautiful bow! It makes what's inside that much more fun! Now, I have my Delaney. And those that have seen us, know that most of the time, she has a big bow on her head! I got to thinking today after the Festival that, just like gifts I give, I love to wrap this Gift I have received with bows also. Not to make the inside more fun, but to show her just how precious she always has been to me, my whole life. The love that is in her heart is the most important gift I can ever give her! I sure hope she feels it someday! She is my gift, and I will never forget that!

A Not So Distant Memory

I took Laney to Mass today and we sat in our usual spot. We love going to the LifeTeen Mass at St. Cletus. As I held Laney and she belted out squeals, I looked around and remembered looking around that church with sad eyes. I remember holding my hands so tight, seeing families, big pregnant bellies, and literally begging God to let me be blessed with a baby. I remember my heavy heart. I remember how broken my soul was.

Today, my soul was whole, my heart repaired, and my eyes filled with tears, but not sad tears. I wiped a tear of joy and thanks away from my eye before anyone could tell as I swayed with my sleepy angel in my arms.

I spent today at Church thanking God for the precious gift He gave me. Somewhere out there, someone has that heavy heart, someone longs, and I am blessed. I pray for all those women and men that long to be parents. I want for them what I have, because that longing, that broken person, is a not so distant memory for me.

Spoiled Shmoiled

Literally, if one more person says to my little Momma's Girl, "Oh aren't you so spoiled" because she won't go to them without that lower lip coming out, I am going to scream. That is a fact! My angel is not spoiled. She has only a few toys. Is she showered with love? You bet! Was I blessed enough to have been able to spend the last 4 weeks with her? You better believe it! Do Delaney and I deserve the love we have for one another? Yes. We are mother and daughter. Frankly, I would worry if she was not attached to me. I know that EVERY good parent LOVES their child. Every good parent, ADORES their child. But, after getting to know people, I mean REALLY know people that struggled to have children I realized before Laney even came along that those people, those "climbers" loved their children in a way I could not express. There was something different. Something more pure. I say that not to offend anyone that did not "struggle", you love your child too, but the connection was strong when there was a journey to be had.

I will tell you my biggest regret with my daughter was not getting to know her better before she was born. I tried for so long, that I did not want to get too attached should something go wrong. I met lots of beautiful ladies that finally saw those two glorious lines on a pregnancy test only to be crushed later! I have a great friend I met on my journey that just happened to. After 10 long years, she got crushed! I could not have taken it. So, I did distance myself a bit. My friends and family would jump up and down, "Aren't you so excited????" I can hear Elizabeth screaming it now! I would say, "Oh yes!" But deep down I was SCARED. I was afraid my Laney and I would not meet. I regret that. I regret that I did not spend more time getting to know her then. It's funny, the moment she was born reality hit. Tears ran down my face. My baby was on my stomach! MY GIRL! My angel from heaven.

We all would lie if we did not hope for certain things. Sure we all want a healthy baby, but I always wanted a baby girl. I love the bows and frilly things. I wanted to have tea parties with her, and play dress up. I even wanted to guide her through the "drama" years. I thought sure I was having a boy I wanted a girl so bad. But, I got my girl. And it's now looking back on the whole thing, I realize something. If I go to Lowes tonight and they don't have the size door I need in stock, they may have to special order it. I won't be able to take it home tonight, I will have to wait. I really wanted that door tonight...But I MUST wait! I realize that I had to wait a long time, because God knew what I wanted. Delaney Noel was a special order item and it took a while for her to be shipped into my arms.

I adore that little girl! I sometimes lay and watch her sleep. I look at her face. I look at her little fingers and toes, and I thank God for the miracle laying on her boppy. I am blessed! I know I am blessed, and I will always let Delaney know how blessed we both are to have one another. That BABY can feel that. She feels all the love I have in my heart. My mom said when she cries when I am gone, it's like her heart is broke. She is going to get better with other people, but for now, she feels the greatest love one person could have for another. A bond, not being "spoiled", but being loved. I did not know what love was until she graced me with her being. I know now that those people that throw the "spoiled" term around are confusing LOVE with something material. How sad that they do not know love in it's purest form!

Lemonade and Love

Looking back, there was a moment. It was a fast moment, one of those life or death, decision making moments that changes things forever. You see, when I first met Joe, I liked him enough. But, I wasn't sure I "liked him like that". I mean, he was a nice guy, but I wasn't into nice guys back then. But then there was a moment. A breath-taking moment that I was reminded of today. I passed a lemonade stand today and I had a flashback of a day much like today. We were in the car driving through a neighborhood on a hot, sunny day. It was 8 years ago, maybe to the day, who knows! There were these kids outside with a typical lemonade stand. Joe saw them and stopped the car, got out, and bought two lemonades. He told those girls to keep the change from a large bill, the value of which I can't recall, but the gesture touched my heart. I knew then and there that I was done with the jerks. And more than that, I loved this man. He had a kind heart. And for that, I loved him.

Tonight there was another moment like that. Tonight, Danielle, you asked me what it was like to be married, and I said that it was different and a lot about compromise. But, I left out the part where there are still moments that take your breath away and make your heart melt into a big glob of mush.

This evening, Joe gave Laney a bottle before bed. She was a crabby bear most of the evening. She was TIRED. But Joe has a ton of patience with her, and he made her a bottle, took it into her room, and sat next to her crib and gave her the bottle. When she finished, he brought the bottle into the kitchen where I was cleaning the days worth of bottles. I looked at him and could see his face was damp. I asked him why he was crying. He denied having cried, so knowing he was lying, I asked again, why he was crying. He said these beautiful words, "Because when I finished giving her the ba, she turned toward me, smiled, and said "Goo" like she was doing it just for me, just because I was there." And again, my heart melted.

Yes, that man can get on my nerves and sometimes I don't know what keeps me from going off the deep end when he leaves his messes everywhere. Yes, he drives me bonkers on the weekends with his incessant "relaxation". But then, he makes up for it when he allows me to fall in love with him all over again.

What I Would Die For

This has been an emotional week for me. I mean, who wouldn't be emotional about turning the big 3-0! But, more than that, my life has completely turned around this past year. One year ago this past week, I was in a state of shock. I could not come to terms with the fact that my dream was coming true. During the time of "my climb" I listened to all kinds of music to ease my mind, or say just what I couldn't. A few of the songs were Please Forgive Me (David Gray), Blackbird (Beatles, but I liked the Sarah Mclachlan version better), Still Haven't Found What I'm Lookin' For (U2), No Air (Jordin Sparks), Someday (Celtic Woman) and my all time, I can't stand this crap anymore song was, I Would Die For That (Kellie Coffey). I just youtubed the Kellie Coffey song, it said EVERYTHING I wanted to say and scream! I love that song. I really would have died for the chance to have what I have now. I would have laid my life down just for a moment of the joys I get to experience now. It is amazing!

I want my daughter to know so much, mostly I want her to know how much I loved her before I even knew her. She is my everything now.

So much has changed with her this past week too! We've taken a big leap into the land of big people foods! She now has cereal everyday and has been trying out carrots! I can't believe how fast babies grow. Often, I just want to stop the clock. Just freeze time. I have noticed her feet this week, how much they have grown. She is getting so big!

So, I would like to take this moment and say, thank you God, for giving me the ONE thing I would die for!

One Year Ago...

One year ago, my dream finally came true. Exactly one year ago, to the moment, I was a sad person. Another birthday was approaching and I was supposed to be a mom several times over by now. One year ago my arms were empty. One year ago, I was with my mom and we drove to my house to see what Joe was planting in front of our house. We got there to see all the rose bushes in front of my house. My mom told me "There are your roses, Betsy." You have to know me well to know that I said a novena to St. Theresa for years begging for a child. When you get a rose, your prayer is answered. I thought, "Yeah, right mom." Later on one year ago, I was standing at my sink and my eyes were drawn to a sign that Carrie bought for me. It reads "Miracles: The most astonishing thing about miracles is that they happen." "Yeah, right." I told myself again. But my eyes went back to that sign. And I thought.

For fun, I took a test, and saw the most glorious lines. I told Joe, called my mom, and called Carrie. I proceeded to take several more tests and remained in a state of shock and wonder that are hard to explain!

Today is a sweet day for me. To think back. This was the most amazing day of my life, one year ago! As I type this, I watch my mom feed Laney. My angel and the rock that listened to me cry for years as I climbed for my angel! My mom was a rock for me! She listened and never believed that I would be without my Laney. My mom always had faith, even when I lost it! I am one THANKFUL person as I look back over the past year. How blessed I have been!

Just one year ago today!

First Trip

We took our first vacation with Laney to our lakehouse! We have a house at the Lake of the Ozarks and we took Delaney for the first time. She did so good! She stayed awake for the ride down and was such a good girl! When we got there Friday night it was pretty late, so we headed to bed early. The next day, she visited our neighbors at the Lake that were waiting to meet her! She also wne to Mommy's favorite breakfast at the Lake, Kay's! She was a show-stopper there! Of course we went to Wal-Mart after Kay's, and stopped by the Mullis', but they were bummin' and asleep, so we did not get to see them. She got to see the new dock and even got to go on it, with her mickey mouse lifejacket on! Daddy wouldn't let Mommy step foot out there without it! It's no surprise that Momma and Delaney also went to the Outlet Mall where we found some adorable sun bonnets! Laney can't wait to go back! She was such a good girl! I will post pics when I get them loaded from the camera! I am too lazy for that now after our long trek!

The Miracle

So, our journey up that mountain, lead us to this place. Pregnancy! I waited for the sickness, which thank God never happened. I did get called high risk early on because of my history with hypertension. That was alright by me! It just meant I got to see my Delaney Noel much more than the average momma! I had already seen her on the big screen 3 times before I was even two months along! Things went pretty well. I spotted a lot at the very beginning. Remember I said I had all the signs I was going to start a new cycle. That was sign #1, but it turned out that Delaney was just getting comfy in her new home for the next 9 months! I got tons of pictures of my baby. Joe missed a few ultrasounds, I was going so much, that was okay. He was pretty set on not finding out what she was, but I already knew she was the girl I had always dreamed of:) He even made a deal with me that if it was a girl I could name her and if it was a boy he could. I knew she was a girl when he made that deal. Sneaky one, I am!

At about 20 weeks, I spotted again. I was mortified. I thought that was it! I thought it was over! But, Dr. Boyd checked and everything seemed fine. He said for whatever reason, sometimes that happens and there is no explanation. So, I was relieved. But, I gotta tell you, if there is one thing I regret, it's that I was nervous the whole time. I don't think I ever fully let myself believe this was happening. That climb up the moutain may have had some part in that. I was scared to fully experience this because I knew it could be gone fast!

But after that 20 week episode of spotting, things went just fine. I got to see the baby about once every 2 weeks, and I was reassured by all those visits! Then in mid December, I started feeling what I thought were heart palpitations. I went to the doctor and he blew it off as blood pressure and changed my medicine. I believed that until I got home and my heart started racing nonstop! I went to the hospital to find out I was in Atrial Fibrillation and they had to shock my heart back into a normal pattern. That was, by far, the scariest moment of my life. I thought I was going to die, or I was going to lose my Laney. The doctors even seemed unsure about doing this to a pregnant person. It turns out, that all went well, it wasn't as bad as I thought, and we both made it. But it was enough to send both Joe and I to tears. Joe still cries when he retells the story. The doctors believed that the strain of pregnancy, as well as the hormones associated with pregnancy were the culprit. They did all kinds of testing and then sent me home from the hospital.

It wasn't long after that, that I got sent to the hospital SEVERAL more times for my increasing blood pressure. My doctor, Dr. Sarah Shores, became the second most compassionate doctor I had ever met. She was really looking out for me, and Joe and I were both thankful to have her on our side. She was very cautious with Delaney and I and we are grateful to have her as my doctor! Thanks to Brooke for twisting my arm and making me go see her back in infertilityland! I had another stint with my heart as well. This time it was Atrial Tachycardia. I got to stay at the hospital for quite some time after that one. They were able to give me meds through an IV to get my heart back into a normal rythym.

Finally we were induced and met Miss Delaney on January 26, 2009. She was PERFECT! A miracle after all we went through to get her here in one piece!

Soon after I had her, I was back at the hospital. It was AFTER I had her that preeclampsia struck! I had to be separated from her and that tore me into two! I learned after having Delaney what a wonderful man I married. He stuck it out and took good care of us both! What a trooper!

Shortly after that, I found out her placenta had lots of clots and it truly is a miracle she made it! She is a real live miracle! Thank God for her!

I have since been told to think long and hard about having more children. I got very sick and lots of bad things could have happened. Thank God they didn't this time. I have lots of soul searching to do. Joe's mind is made up that Delaney is it. I can't let go that easy. I always wanted a houseful of kids. I loved being pregnant. After what I went through, I was not one of those people that did a lot of complaining. I would have gone through all I did during my pregnancy a hundred times over! I would do it again for another baby. The end result was AMAZING. So, I am on another personal journey. I have lots of thinking and praying to do and figuring out just where my life will lead! I know wherever it is, the end result will be just where it should be! In the meantime, I intend on raising a beautiful little girl, with a heart of gold! May she always know the love that went into bringing her here! And may she always know just how much she taught her mother about love!

The Climb

Wow! I can't believe it has taken me this long to begin my blog. I should have started long ago. So, please pardon me as I take you back and find my way through this mess! A long, long time ago I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor. I think I was 19 or 20 at the time. My worst fear then came true. I had a doctor tell me I might have a hard time having children. That tore my life in two, that one simple statement from that doctor. I was so upset. My life has always involved children, and I never imagined that I would have it any other way, than to be a mom. That was, as far as I was concerned, my DESTINY. I stumbled through the next few years of my life, trying to put what was said in the back of my mind. After all, by all accounts and reports, the tumor was shrinking and maybe those doctors were wrong. Anyway, I needed to find my prince charming before I started worrying about that.

Fast forward a bit and I met Joe. Truthfully, it wasn't he I was interested in at that moment, and all the "nice guy" stuff he was throwing my way, was not doing it for me. I tried to push him away, but he just kept knocking on my apartment door. Eventually, I fell for him, and we started planting seeds for our future. Eventually, we married. I knew that I was going to want a family and so after our wedding, we started actively trying to have a baby! This was going to be great and I knew it. I was so excited! I went to all my doctors, got check ups, switched some of my medications around and then we were off on the road to trying to conceive.

Ahhh, after the first month, and second, and third, I was still excited. This was going to be GREAT! What I did not realize was that I had begun a climb up a mountain range that I had never heard of. I was about to put myself to the test.

The mountain range I speak of is called Infertility. It happens to fall somewhere between here and there and is bigger than anything you have ever imagined. When you start out at the bottom, you don't realize just how far it is to the top. It doesn't look too bad, but once you start heading up that mountain, you realize it is a LONG way. There are slippery patches, that send you back down a few times. But, along the way, you find ways to make the journey easier, and it's not until you finally lie your head down, put your life in the Hands of God and just give up that you finally reach the peak!

It wasn't until about a year after we tried for this baby I was so badly wanting, that I realized something might be wrong and we might need to seek some help. Joe wasn't all for that just yet, so I held out a bit longer (we were already partially up the first part of the mountain at this point). I went to my doctor a few months later and she prescribed some tests and once those came back fine, we started clomid. Now we were talking! Maybe even twins (that was alright by me---Joe on the other hand had other ideas of where he might run off to if that WERE the case). I knew that clomid was going to do it for me! I mean, that would override anything that silly pituitary tumor might be doing and we were going to be just fine. I did not even realize that here is the first time I fell right back down that mountain only to start over again. I took clomid for one month, two months, three months and now I was HOT! I was mad, SOMETHING WAS WRONG! I was climbing Mt. Infertility with a vengeance now! I switched doctors, I started seeing more! Fix me! Something must BE WRONG WITH ME! More doctors, some said invitro was our option, others kept the clomid up, we added IUIs, NOTHING! I wasn't just mad now, I was hurt! My soul broken in two. I asked God how He could do this to me? All I wanted was to be a mom. I did not know anyone that had done this before me. Thankfully, by the Grace of God, I had a great group of friends that stood by me, and unfortunately, I lost other friends along the way. It is a hard road, one that I don't know I could watch someone go down. I was broken in two. There was no turning back now, I was on this journey, and I had changed. My life as I knew it was over. I learned who would be there holding my hand quite fast. You know who you were, and I thank you from the bottom of my soul! I know it wasn't pretty at times, but you were my walking sticks! Thank you for allowing me to walk on, while you held me up. I was sinking and falling, and you kept me moving forward. You are all angels!

I had other aides on my journey. Bring in the troops on the mountain. I found a website called babyfit. I met a FABULOUS group of women going through the same thing. Did you know, that I was not on this mountain alone? Did you know I wasn't the only mad, bitter person out there? Did you know that I was not the only person in America that HATED going to baby showers because my heart was torn out of my chest? Did you know that I was not the only person who knew their cycle like the back of their hand and STILL could not get pregnant? I was not the only one charting the most absurd things about their bodies to no end! I was not the only one getting crazy advice, I was not the only one! I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE! I leaned on these fabulous women, cried to them, and let them cry to me. We walked this mountain as soldiers. We all may have been at different parts of the mountain at different times, but we were all there, I could hear their voices as I dragged on.

Another place of refuge on the mountain was yet again another new doctor. Dr. Barry Witten at St. John's and his staff! Thank GOD for them! Finally, they took some of the burden off my shoulders. They let me put all the worry on them and helped make the final leg of my journey "somewhat" bearable. I had, to this point, never know a doctor to be so compassionate. I call Dr. Witten my angel. He may not know that, maybe he does. But I prayed to God for something to help ease the pain, he was the answer to the prayer. I did more clomid with Dr. Witten, had surgery, did more IUIs, and started injectable medication. Finally he and his staff suggested I take a few months off to let my body recover from the strains the medication was putting on it. I begrudgingly did just that. I cried at first, and then started doing what I did best, praying and planning. I leaned on my walking sticks, I leaned on my fellow soldiers, and I even let go a little bit. I put it in God's hands for a minute. I just needed a break! One month had gone by since Dr. Witten told me to take a rest. I could not wait until the beginning of the next cycle to get back into that office and fight this battle some more. I knew the beginning was coming, I just knew it! I had all the signs. I even broke out my white pants to make sure the beginning would come. I knew it was coming.........

Then, on the night before my 29th birthday, I decided to take a test. I had taken a test EVERY MONTH FOR THE PAST 30 MONTHS. I did not want to be disappointed on my birthday, so I would take this, see it, and move on before the clock struck midnight so I could enjoy my birthday! I would go to bed and forget it and have a nice day. I was going to have a nice day. I was not going to cry, I was going to forget this mess for ONE day!

And it was then that I saw the most glorious two lines I had ever seen in my life. Wait, or did I? I mean, I had gotten to the point where I busted pregnancy tests open, got out my camera, took a picture of it, and turned it into a negative to see if there was another FAINT line there. I held it under a magnifying glass. Held it up to the light. Where was the other line on those tests? So, maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me this time. Yes, that had to be it, and what a cruel joke the eve of my birthday. Ha! I looked back. Hmmm... I had Joe look, he did not believe it either. I went to the store to get more tests, one that read to me, one that smiled at me, more with lines. They all said the same thing. I had reached the peak! I was PREGNANT! IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN! MY ANGEL WAS IN THE MAKING! God had never left my side, He was there all along, my dream did really come true! I was going to be a mom after all! It was the MOST GLORIOUS day of my entire life. I had reached the peak, I was not alone, and my dream really did come true.

I thought that was the most glorious day of my life, and it was! The eve of my 29th birthday. The night I reached the top of Mt. Infertility. And there was a sled waiting for me to take me down the other side. I still climb. I still go back there. I have friends I left along the way. I still walk alongside them, I still push for them. We fall, just like tears out of our eyes, but we are together, forever, because we climbed that mountain. Always, there will be pieces of us we left there. Pieces we sometimes wish we could have back, bits of our hearts that are forever changed. But if I could, I would not change that journey. No, I would not give that battle up. The end of my climb led me to the most wonderful time of my life. Now I have a prize from that climb that I love more than a person who did not experience the climb. My child will always know just how wanted and just how loved she is. If it is possible to love your child more than any other human loves their child, then I do. I adore my Delaney. She was worth the climb! And she is the reason I breathe today! I would climb that mountain again, hell I would still be on it if I needed to, to get my Laney here! I would do it again, no questions asked. I would cry all the tears, I would lose myself. I would do it again! To know love like this, I would give my heart from my chest! I would climb the highest mountain. I am blessed! I am blessed! So, please come along as I take you through the rest of the journey. The story doesn't end here. We still had some more battles, just to let me know how lucky I am to have experienced a miracle in my life. Some people don't even get to know that feeling, I do! Again, I am so blessed! So, walk alongside me, as we do our best to show our Delaney Noel, our "angel sent from Heaven", just what a miracle she is.