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Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Climb

Wow! I can't believe it has taken me this long to begin my blog. I should have started long ago. So, please pardon me as I take you back and find my way through this mess! A long, long time ago I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor. I think I was 19 or 20 at the time. My worst fear then came true. I had a doctor tell me I might have a hard time having children. That tore my life in two, that one simple statement from that doctor. I was so upset. My life has always involved children, and I never imagined that I would have it any other way, than to be a mom. That was, as far as I was concerned, my DESTINY. I stumbled through the next few years of my life, trying to put what was said in the back of my mind. After all, by all accounts and reports, the tumor was shrinking and maybe those doctors were wrong. Anyway, I needed to find my prince charming before I started worrying about that.

Fast forward a bit and I met Joe. Truthfully, it wasn't he I was interested in at that moment, and all the "nice guy" stuff he was throwing my way, was not doing it for me. I tried to push him away, but he just kept knocking on my apartment door. Eventually, I fell for him, and we started planting seeds for our future. Eventually, we married. I knew that I was going to want a family and so after our wedding, we started actively trying to have a baby! This was going to be great and I knew it. I was so excited! I went to all my doctors, got check ups, switched some of my medications around and then we were off on the road to trying to conceive.

Ahhh, after the first month, and second, and third, I was still excited. This was going to be GREAT! What I did not realize was that I had begun a climb up a mountain range that I had never heard of. I was about to put myself to the test.

The mountain range I speak of is called Infertility. It happens to fall somewhere between here and there and is bigger than anything you have ever imagined. When you start out at the bottom, you don't realize just how far it is to the top. It doesn't look too bad, but once you start heading up that mountain, you realize it is a LONG way. There are slippery patches, that send you back down a few times. But, along the way, you find ways to make the journey easier, and it's not until you finally lie your head down, put your life in the Hands of God and just give up that you finally reach the peak!

It wasn't until about a year after we tried for this baby I was so badly wanting, that I realized something might be wrong and we might need to seek some help. Joe wasn't all for that just yet, so I held out a bit longer (we were already partially up the first part of the mountain at this point). I went to my doctor a few months later and she prescribed some tests and once those came back fine, we started clomid. Now we were talking! Maybe even twins (that was alright by me---Joe on the other hand had other ideas of where he might run off to if that WERE the case). I knew that clomid was going to do it for me! I mean, that would override anything that silly pituitary tumor might be doing and we were going to be just fine. I did not even realize that here is the first time I fell right back down that mountain only to start over again. I took clomid for one month, two months, three months and now I was HOT! I was mad, SOMETHING WAS WRONG! I was climbing Mt. Infertility with a vengeance now! I switched doctors, I started seeing more! Fix me! Something must BE WRONG WITH ME! More doctors, some said invitro was our option, others kept the clomid up, we added IUIs, NOTHING! I wasn't just mad now, I was hurt! My soul broken in two. I asked God how He could do this to me? All I wanted was to be a mom. I did not know anyone that had done this before me. Thankfully, by the Grace of God, I had a great group of friends that stood by me, and unfortunately, I lost other friends along the way. It is a hard road, one that I don't know I could watch someone go down. I was broken in two. There was no turning back now, I was on this journey, and I had changed. My life as I knew it was over. I learned who would be there holding my hand quite fast. You know who you were, and I thank you from the bottom of my soul! I know it wasn't pretty at times, but you were my walking sticks! Thank you for allowing me to walk on, while you held me up. I was sinking and falling, and you kept me moving forward. You are all angels!

I had other aides on my journey. Bring in the troops on the mountain. I found a website called babyfit. I met a FABULOUS group of women going through the same thing. Did you know, that I was not on this mountain alone? Did you know I wasn't the only mad, bitter person out there? Did you know that I was not the only person in America that HATED going to baby showers because my heart was torn out of my chest? Did you know that I was not the only person who knew their cycle like the back of their hand and STILL could not get pregnant? I was not the only one charting the most absurd things about their bodies to no end! I was not the only one getting crazy advice, I was not the only one! I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE! I leaned on these fabulous women, cried to them, and let them cry to me. We walked this mountain as soldiers. We all may have been at different parts of the mountain at different times, but we were all there, I could hear their voices as I dragged on.

Another place of refuge on the mountain was yet again another new doctor. Dr. Barry Witten at St. John's and his staff! Thank GOD for them! Finally, they took some of the burden off my shoulders. They let me put all the worry on them and helped make the final leg of my journey "somewhat" bearable. I had, to this point, never know a doctor to be so compassionate. I call Dr. Witten my angel. He may not know that, maybe he does. But I prayed to God for something to help ease the pain, he was the answer to the prayer. I did more clomid with Dr. Witten, had surgery, did more IUIs, and started injectable medication. Finally he and his staff suggested I take a few months off to let my body recover from the strains the medication was putting on it. I begrudgingly did just that. I cried at first, and then started doing what I did best, praying and planning. I leaned on my walking sticks, I leaned on my fellow soldiers, and I even let go a little bit. I put it in God's hands for a minute. I just needed a break! One month had gone by since Dr. Witten told me to take a rest. I could not wait until the beginning of the next cycle to get back into that office and fight this battle some more. I knew the beginning was coming, I just knew it! I had all the signs. I even broke out my white pants to make sure the beginning would come. I knew it was coming.........

Then, on the night before my 29th birthday, I decided to take a test. I had taken a test EVERY MONTH FOR THE PAST 30 MONTHS. I did not want to be disappointed on my birthday, so I would take this, see it, and move on before the clock struck midnight so I could enjoy my birthday! I would go to bed and forget it and have a nice day. I was going to have a nice day. I was not going to cry, I was going to forget this mess for ONE day!

And it was then that I saw the most glorious two lines I had ever seen in my life. Wait, or did I? I mean, I had gotten to the point where I busted pregnancy tests open, got out my camera, took a picture of it, and turned it into a negative to see if there was another FAINT line there. I held it under a magnifying glass. Held it up to the light. Where was the other line on those tests? So, maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me this time. Yes, that had to be it, and what a cruel joke the eve of my birthday. Ha! I looked back. Hmmm... I had Joe look, he did not believe it either. I went to the store to get more tests, one that read to me, one that smiled at me, more with lines. They all said the same thing. I had reached the peak! I was PREGNANT! IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN! MY ANGEL WAS IN THE MAKING! God had never left my side, He was there all along, my dream did really come true! I was going to be a mom after all! It was the MOST GLORIOUS day of my entire life. I had reached the peak, I was not alone, and my dream really did come true.

I thought that was the most glorious day of my life, and it was! The eve of my 29th birthday. The night I reached the top of Mt. Infertility. And there was a sled waiting for me to take me down the other side. I still climb. I still go back there. I have friends I left along the way. I still walk alongside them, I still push for them. We fall, just like tears out of our eyes, but we are together, forever, because we climbed that mountain. Always, there will be pieces of us we left there. Pieces we sometimes wish we could have back, bits of our hearts that are forever changed. But if I could, I would not change that journey. No, I would not give that battle up. The end of my climb led me to the most wonderful time of my life. Now I have a prize from that climb that I love more than a person who did not experience the climb. My child will always know just how wanted and just how loved she is. If it is possible to love your child more than any other human loves their child, then I do. I adore my Delaney. She was worth the climb! And she is the reason I breathe today! I would climb that mountain again, hell I would still be on it if I needed to, to get my Laney here! I would do it again, no questions asked. I would cry all the tears, I would lose myself. I would do it again! To know love like this, I would give my heart from my chest! I would climb the highest mountain. I am blessed! I am blessed! So, please come along as I take you through the rest of the journey. The story doesn't end here. We still had some more battles, just to let me know how lucky I am to have experienced a miracle in my life. Some people don't even get to know that feeling, I do! Again, I am so blessed! So, walk alongside me, as we do our best to show our Delaney Noel, our "angel sent from Heaven", just what a miracle she is.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I can barely see what i am typing because i have so many tears in my eyes! What a miracle! I am so happy for you Betsy! I know how much I wanted to be a mom, it was my biggest fear that I would not be able to, so i can't even imagine going through "the climb" that you did. What an amazing Journey. You are Such a strong person! I am so happy for you!

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